antics
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Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows
nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately.
Go next door, where they're serving rum balls. -
Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare. You cannot find it
any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories
in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or
something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you
think. It's Christmas! -
If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy
does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes.
Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat. -
As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole
milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic
transmission. -
Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating.
The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free.
Lots of it. Hello? -
Under no circumstances should you exercise between now & New Year's …
You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for
long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a
10-pound plate of food & that vat of eggnog. -
If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas
cookies in the shape & size of Santa, position yourself near them & don't budge.
Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a
beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again. -
Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like
mincemeat, have two apples & one pumpkin … Always have three. When else do you
get to have more than one dessert? LaborDay? -
Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory
calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards. -
One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the
table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January
is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
intention of arriving safely in an attractive & well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out & screaming
"WA HOO what a ride!"