For all you animal lovers out there

RULES FOR PETS … YES, THE PETS RULE!

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food
does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish. Nor do
I find that to be aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help
because I fall faster than you can run. (Especially when on crutches!)

The Bed Problem. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed.
I am very sorry about this. So, do not think I will continue sleeping on
the couch to ensure your king-sized comfort. Dogs and cats can
actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. Therefore, It is not acceptable
to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to your fullest possible
length. I also know that sticking tails straight out; plus, your tongues
hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. Be it
known that that selfish act leaves my husband resting on the edge with
one hand planted on the floor to prevent falling completely out. Lately he
has discussed this with me in a manner unfriendly toward you.

About the Bathroom. For the last time, there is no secret exit from the
bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to shut myself in;
it will not help you to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under
the door in hopes of pulling it open. I must exit through the same door I entered.
Since I have been using the bathroom for years, your presence is not required.

Better Manners Required. The proper order is kiss me first, then go smell the
other pet's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

Out of Love And Respect to You, My Beloved Pets…
I have posted the following Pet Advisory on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets
…you know who you are…so please read and heed …

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
   Think about it…we all call it "fur"niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
   who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
   3 Are easier to train
3. Normally come when called
4. Never ask to drive the car
5. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
6. Don't smoke or drink
7. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
8. Don't want to wear your clothes
9. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and…
10. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Most excellent, thanks for the chuckle…..

Antics will like that one!!

already have that one carefully framed and hanging. the nascar part and bathroom part are especially true.

The cat's secret code of conduct.

BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shagpile is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a humans bare foot.

HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering:"

1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible or at least. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.

4) For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.

6) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.

WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.

LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.

ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget guests.